Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
News--Politics---A-Scotsman-is-on-holiday-in-New-York-City----with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny
A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City... - A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.
It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.
A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.
"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."
It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.
A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.
"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."
News--Politics---A-J--Jamal:-The-Darker-You-Are-with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny
A.J. Jamal: The Darker You Are - They said the darker you were, you know, you were further away from the slave house. I learned that! The light-skinned people, they say, there was some mixing going on. Man, my family was so dark, we were two feet from freedom! We didn't even know there was a house on the plantation.
News--Politics---Xtreme-Makeovers-with-tags-Insults-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Xtreme Makeovers - Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
News--Politics---Shine-On--You-Crazy-Fratboy!-with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Partying--Bad-Behavior-Something-Funny
Shine On, You Crazy Fratboy! - How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
News--Politics---How-do-you-spell-Canada--with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny
How do you spell Canada? - How do you spell Canada?
*C-EH N-EH D-EH
*C-EH N-EH D-EH
News--Politics---Hot-Enough-For-You--with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny
Hot Enough For You? - After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty,
so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government
provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe,
and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
There, he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty,
so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government
provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe,
and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
News--Politics---Everything-You-Always-Wanted-to-Know-About-Sex-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-God-Jokes-Men-Women-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex - How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
''How come?''
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Can you say three two-letter words that denote small? Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
''How come?''
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Can you say three two-letter words that denote small? Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Fred-Flintstone-s-Secret-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Fred Flintstone's Secret - Q: Why's Fred Flintstone a homosexual?A: He's always having a gay old time.
News--Politics---Top-10-Things-You-Don-t-Want-Dubya-to-Say-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Top 10 Things You Don't Want Dubya to Say - 10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
News--Politics---I-ll-Repair-Your-Car--Nudge--Nudge-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
I'll Repair Your Car, Nudge, Nudge - A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate of about one hundred dollars, which she couldn't quite afford.
"Darn," she says. "Just one hunderd dollars? If you weren't such an old guy, I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."
"Hell, I'll show you who's old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car." She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!
"Oh boy!" she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too." Then she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" the woman asked.
"Hell," the old man replied, "you think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"
"Darn," she says. "Just one hunderd dollars? If you weren't such an old guy, I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."
"Hell, I'll show you who's old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car." She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!
"Oh boy!" she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too." Then she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" the woman asked.
"Hell," the old man replied, "you think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----Hair-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... Hair - You're the activator in my Jheri curl.
News--Politics---Get-You-With-The-Nine-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny
Get You With The Nine - A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her.
She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.
She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----Puzzle-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... Puzzle - I'd like to solve your Rubik's Cube. Mint!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Bush-got-a-coded-message-from-Saddam-with-tags-Insults-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Bush got a coded message from Saddam - Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went
to the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning the message upside down ...
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went
to the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning the message upside down ...
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---90s-Booty-Call----Flannel-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
90s Booty Call... Flannel - That flannel makes you look particularly undernourished in this garage light.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----Kirk-Cameron-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... Kirk Cameron - Like Kirk Cameron, I too am experiencing Growing Pains. In my pants.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----Indiana-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... Indiana - I've got the Jones for you to enter my Temple of Doom. Mint!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----Pity-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... Pity - I pity the fool who doesn't come home with me tonight!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Scott-LaRose:-Adult-Film-Plots-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Work-Jokes
Scott LaRose: Adult Film Plots - My job used to be to watch adult films and tell people what they're about. People would come in and go, 'What's "Romancing the Bone" about?' It's about 90 minutes too long. That's what it's about.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----Casio-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... Casio - Wanna play my Casio? I keep it in my pants. Mint!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Arnold-s-Search-Engine-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Arnold's Search Engine - Which Search Engine does Arnold Schwarzenegger use?
Alta Vista baby.
Alta Vista baby.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Doing-the-Screw-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Marriage-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Doing the Screw - It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?""Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Michael-Jackson-and-Santa-with-tags-God-Jokes-Insults-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Michael Jackson and Santa - Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?A: After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---The-Bill-Clinton-Sale-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
The Bill Clinton Sale - Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day?A: All pants half off.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Sauron-the-Moron-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Sauron the Moron - In "Fellowship of the Rings," what did Sauron say to Frodo?
"You're a hard hobbit to break!"
"You're a hard hobbit to break!"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Seven-Dwarves-On-A-Bus-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Seven Dwarves On A Bus - The seven dwarves were on a bus, they started to feel Sleepy so he got off.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---The-Seven-Dwarfs-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
The Seven Dwarfs - The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.
So Happy got up and left.
So Happy got up and left.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Clinton-Does-Dr--Seuss-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Clinton Does Dr. Seuss - I did not do it in a carI did not do it in a barI did not do it in the darkI did not do it in the parkI did not do it on a dateI did not ever fornicateI did not do it at a danceI did not do it in her pantsI did not get beyond first baseI did not do it in her faceI never did it in a bedTrust me now, you've been misledI did not do it with a groanI did not do it on the phoneI did not cause her dress to stainI never boinked Saddam HusseinI did not do it with a whipI never fondled Linda TrippI never acted really sillyWith volunteers like Kathleen WilleyThere was one time with Margaret ThatcherI chased her 'round, but could not catch herNo kinky stuff, not on your lifeI wouldn't, even with my wifeGennifer Flowers' tale of woesWas paid for by my right-wing foesAnd Paula Jones, and those State TroopersAre just a bunch of party poopersI did not ask my friends to lieI did not hang them out to dryI did not do it last NovemberBut if I did, I don't rememberI did not do it in the hallI could have, but I don't recallI never did it in my studyI never touched my good dog, BuddyI never did it to Sox, the catI might have once with ArafatI never did it in a hurryI never groped Ms. Betty CurrieThere was no sex at ArlingtonThere was no sex on Air Force OneI might have copped a little feelAnd then endeavored to concealBut never did these things so lewdAt least, not ever in the nudeThese things to which I have confessedThey do not count, if we stayed dressedIt never happened with a cigarI never dated Mrs. StarrI did not know this little sinWould be retold on CNNI broke some rules my Mama taught meI tried to hide, but now you've caught meBut I implore, I do beseechDo not condemn, do not impeachI might have got a little tailBut never once did I inhale.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Oprah-and-Airport-Security-with-tags-Fat-Jokes-Insults-Lookin--Good-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Oprah and Airport Security - Q: Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested?A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Safe-Sex-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Safe Sex - How did Bill Clinton practice safe sex?
He didn't light the cigar.
He didn't light the cigar.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---The-Seven-Dwarves-Go-to-Rome-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-God-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
The Seven Dwarves Go to Rome - The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Geek-Booty-Call----Series-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Geek Booty Call... Series - If you had your own syndicated series, it'd be called "Babe-a-lon Five."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Sheep-and-Kangaroo-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Sheep and Kangaroo - Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?A: A sweater with big pockets.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Clinton-s-Sex-Poll-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Clinton's Sex Poll - When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Captain-s-Brave-Shirt-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Captain's Brave Shirt - The first mate asks the ship captain why he always wears a red shirt to fight off pirates.The captain replies, "It keeps the men brave. If I get wounded, you won't see the blood, and you'll keep on fighting."The next day, a fleet of pirate ships appear on the horizon. The first mate says, "Get me my brown pants!"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Sex-Ed-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Jokes-about-Kids-Little-Johnny-Men-Women-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-School-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes
Sex Ed - At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important.
” Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.” “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne.”
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important.
” Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.” “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne.”
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---The-Hurt-Bird-and-the-Shit-with-tags-News--Politics-Police-Business--Military-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-That-Is-Gross
The Hurt Bird and the Shit - One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a shit. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a shit in his hat. He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man. He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.
The guy said, “It's a hurt bird.”
The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”
The man said, “I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away.”
The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”
The man said, “I can't - if I take my hand away it will fly away.” They kept that up for about five minutes.
Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. “Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won't fly away!”
The guy said, “Alright.” And he slowly removed his hand.
The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of shit and asked the man, “What is this?”
The man replied, “You scared the shit out of the bird.”
The guy said, “It's a hurt bird.”
The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”
The man said, “I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away.”
The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”
The man said, “I can't - if I take my hand away it will fly away.” They kept that up for about five minutes.
Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. “Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won't fly away!”
The guy said, “Alright.” And he slowly removed his hand.
The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of shit and asked the man, “What is this?”
The man replied, “You scared the shit out of the bird.”
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Booty-Call----Becoming-Shirt-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Men-Women-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Booty Call... Becoming Shirt - Gee, that shirt is very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming, too.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Geek-Booty-Call----Shirt-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Geek Booty Call... Shirt - That Babylon 5 t-shirt looks great on you, but it would look better on my bedroom floor.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Michael-Jr-:-Belly-Shirts-with-tags-Insults-Lookin--Good-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Michael Jr.: Belly Shirts - Ladies, they call this a 'half shirt' for a reason: only half of y'all are supposed to wear this.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---George-Dubya-on-a-Sinking-Ship-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
George Dubya on a Sinking Ship - George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.
The nation.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Attention-Shoppers!-with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Work-Jokes
Attention Shoppers! - Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart?
Because he heard kids pants were half-off!
Because he heard kids pants were half-off!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Christina-Aguilera--Shotgun-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Christina Aguilera & Shotgun - Q: What does Christina Aguilera have in common with a shotgun?
A: Two Cocks And She Blows.
A: Two Cocks And She Blows.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Blonde-s-Alligator-Shoes-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Blonde-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Men-Women-Money-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Blonde's Alligator Shoes - A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Mike-B-:-Alien-Sightings-with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Mike B.: Alien Sightings - White people, y'all are the only people to ever see aliens. I'm telling you, it's true. I was watching something about sightings. You never see blacks and Hispanics on sightings. You don't see that. You want to know why? I'm going to tell you why you don't see us on it -- because we mind our damn business.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Bad-Skin-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Bad Skin - What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face!
Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Bush-Has-a-Short-One-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Bush Has a Short One - Q: Bush has a short one. Sarkozy has a long one. Cher does not use hers. What is it?A: A last name.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Dead-Sitcoms-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Dead Sitcoms - Cloris Leachman on Bob Saget:
"You didn't just kill sitcoms. You raped them and left them for dead, just like I did to Gavin MacLeod in 1975."
"You didn't just kill sitcoms. You raped them and left them for dead, just like I did to Gavin MacLeod in 1975."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Luke-Skywalker-s-Entry-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Luke Skywalker's Entry - Q: What did Luke Skywalker say to his girlfriend?A: This is Red 5, I'm going in.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Anti-Bush-Cheney-Campaign-Slogan-with-tags-Insults-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Anti-Bush/Cheney Campaign Slogan - Bush and Dick: Put 'em together and you're screwed.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Clinton-s-Smoking-Habits-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Clinton's Smoking Habits - Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pussies."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Brunette-With-Six-Legs-with-tags-Insults-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Brunette With Six Legs - Q: What has brown hair, six legs, and sings like Michael Jackson?A: The Jonas Brothers.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----Smurf-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... Smurf - I'd like to smurf all over you with my big, throbbing smurf. Mint!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Smurfette-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Smurfette - There were five thousand Smurfs, and one Smurfette, and she screwed each one seven times. Enter 5000+1 times 7 in a calculator to see what Smurfette was...
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Hannibal-L-s-Snack-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Hannibal L's Snack - What does Hannibal Lector say about Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera?
Mmm...pop-tarts
Mmm...pop-tarts
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---So-Blonde----60-Minutes-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Insults-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
So Blonde... 60 Minutes - She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Bush-and-Son-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Bush and Son - A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."
"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!"
"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."
"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Laffin--Smurfs-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Laffin' Smurfs - Why do smurfs laugh as they walk through the forest?
Because the grass tickles their balls!
Because the grass tickles their balls!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Inner-Space-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Inner Space - What has three balls and comes from outer space?
E.T., the Extra-Testicle!
E.T., the Extra-Testicle!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---So-many-to-choose-from-with-tags-Insults-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
So many to choose from - Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: In a catalogue.
A: In a catalogue.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Cinderella-Gets-Some-Ash-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Cinderella Gets Some Ash - Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''
''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''
''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''
''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''
''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''
''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''
''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''
''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Knock-knock----Britney-Spears-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Knock knock... Britney Spears - Knock knock
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Oops I did it again!
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Oops I did it again!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Britney-Spears--n--Pepsi-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Britney Spears 'n' Pepsi - What does Britney Spears and pepsi have in common?
They both come with plastic jugs
They both come with plastic jugs
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Knock-knockers-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Knock Knock... Spears - Knock knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears who?
Britney spears my eyes with her brand new pointed titties.
Who's there?
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears who?
Britney spears my eyes with her brand new pointed titties.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---P--Diddy--Britney-Spears--and-Eminem-go-to-hell-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
P. Diddy, Britney Spears, and Eminem go to hell - P. Diddy, Britney Spears, and Eminem all die and go to hell. The devil took Britney in his hands and she melted into a puddle. Then he took P. Diddy in his hands and he melted into a puddle. Then he took Eminem into his hands, but he didn't melt. The devil said, "why didn't you melt like the other two?"
He said, "Because Eminem melts in your mouth, not your hands."
He said, "Because Eminem melts in your mouth, not your hands."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Britney-Spears--Bosoms-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Britney Spears' Bosoms - Britney Spears' boobs are so big, they have smaller boobs orbiting around them.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Political-Spelling-Contest-with-tags-News--Politics-Police-Business--Military-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Political Spelling Contest - Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win?A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Buckwheat-Spells----with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Buckwheat Spells... - The Li'l Rascals are sitting in class and the teacher calls Buckwheat to the front of the room to begin the day's spelling lesson. “Can you spell the word ‘dictate’ for the class, Buckwheat,” she asked. He replied, “I sure can: d-i-c-t-a-t-e!” “Very good,” came the teacher's reply. “Now can you use that word in a sentence please?” Buckwheat thought for a second then turned towards Darla and asked, “Hey, Darla, how'd my dictate la't night?!”
News--Politics---George-Bush-is-So-Stupid-----with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
George Bush is So Stupid... - George Bush is so stupid, he's still looking for a corner in his Oval Office.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---The-Squirrels-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Jokes-about-Kids-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes
The Squirrels - One day little Bill was playing in the sand out of the sun underneath his front steps. Soon his mother walked up the steps without underwear due to the heat of the day and little Bill looked up and yelled out, ''Mother, what's that black thing that you're carrying under your dress?'' ''Don't worry, Bill, it's just a squirrel,'' she said. So little Bill kept on playing, and soon his grandmother came along, also without underwear, and little Bill looked up and said, ''Grammie what is that hairy animal under your dress?'' ''Ah, it's a squirrel,'' she answered. So little Bill asked his grandmother, ''Why is it that your squirrel is grey intead of black?'' The grandmother replied, ''If your mother's squirrel had popped the nuts that this one has popped, it would be gray too.''
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Hipster-Booty-Call----Spinning-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Hipster Booty Call... Spinning - You're spinning here on Monday? I'm spinning here on Monday!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Bush-s-Joint-Chiefs-of-Staff-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Bush's Joint Chiefs of Staff - George Bush is so dumb he thinks the Joint Chiefs of Staff are a bunch of indians who roll extra fat doobies.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Harry-Potter-Stays-Back-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Harry Potter Stays Back - Why did Harry Potter have to repeat his first year at Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft?
Because he couldn't spell.
Because he couldn't spell.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Clinton-Stew-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Clinton Stew - Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved Bill Clinton stew?A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Redneck-Booty-Call----Springer-with-tags-Country-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Redneck Booty Call... Springer - Didn't I see you on the Jerry Springer show?
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Bumper-Crop-O--Bumper-Stickers-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Bumper Crop O' Bumper Stickers - Bush happens
Life is like a box of chocolates. Looks like we got a bad one. (Impeach Bush)
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Vegetarians taste better
There is absolutely no excuse for the way I'm about to drive
If you're reading this, it's time to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
Don't steal. the government hates competition
I'm frum texas. yep, we luv ar bush. he's jest as smrt as we ar
Honk if you like peace and quiet
Life is like a box of chocolates. Looks like we got a bad one. (Impeach Bush)
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Vegetarians taste better
There is absolutely no excuse for the way I'm about to drive
If you're reading this, it's time to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
Don't steal. the government hates competition
I'm frum texas. yep, we luv ar bush. he's jest as smrt as we ar
Honk if you like peace and quiet
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Clinton-Bedtime-Story-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Clinton Bedtime Story - Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary wakes and starts shaking Bill.
Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3am. What do you want?"
"I have to go use the bathroom," Hillary replies.
Bill blinks. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
"No," Hillary says, "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3am. What do you want?"
"I have to go use the bathroom," Hillary replies.
Bill blinks. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
"No," Hillary says, "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Sob-Story-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Sob Story - When an attractive young girl returned from her honeymoon she was in a state bordering on desperation, and decided to write to the ''Aunt Marge'' page of her weekly magazine:''I am at wit's end since it seems that the nice boy I married is really a sex-maniac. He never leaves me alone -- he makes love to me all night without stopping, and then while I'm cooking breakfast, cleaning the house, while I'm in the bath, while I'm watching TV, and so on, he just never stops! Can you please tell me what to do? Signed, Exhausted in Peoria P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting.''
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---George-Bush-is-so-stupid----with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
George Bush is so stupid... - George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Pink--Grey---Stuck-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Pink, Grey, & Stuck - What's pink, grey, and can't fit through a doorway?
George W. Bush with a javelin through his head!
George W. Bush with a javelin through his head!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---More-Stupid-Quotes-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes
More Stupid Quotes - On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?”-- Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star
On Standards, the Mega-Rich
and: “I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of gross.”-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about
what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces
On Disco Music, Importance
of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.”-- Donna Summer, disco singer
On Giving It Your All: “I
think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard.” -- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why
his team had lost an NBA contest
On Hostage-Taking, Fun For
All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end
up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.”-- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni
parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors hostage
On Acting, Jean-Claude Van
Damme's Interesting Insights On: “In an action film you act in the action. If it's a
dramatic film you act in the drama.”-- Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on
“Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”
On Segues, Unfortunate:
“Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in college.”-- Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing
Senator Larry Craig
On Book Reviews, Cogent:
“It's a very good historical book about history.” -- former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul
Johnson's Modern Times
On Civics Lessons, Vice
Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House. I don't know how many
exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”-- former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting
to explain the difference between the House and the Senate
On Earth, Where Found:“
[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.” -- former vice president Dan Quayle, on the
concept of a manned mission to Mars.
On Standards, the Mega-Rich
and: “I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of gross.”-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about
what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces
On Disco Music, Importance
of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.”-- Donna Summer, disco singer
On Giving It Your All: “I
think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard.” -- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why
his team had lost an NBA contest
On Hostage-Taking, Fun For
All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end
up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.”-- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni
parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors hostage
On Acting, Jean-Claude Van
Damme's Interesting Insights On: “In an action film you act in the action. If it's a
dramatic film you act in the drama.”-- Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on
“Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”
On Segues, Unfortunate:
“Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in college.”-- Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing
Senator Larry Craig
On Book Reviews, Cogent:
“It's a very good historical book about history.” -- former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul
Johnson's Modern Times
On Civics Lessons, Vice
Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House. I don't know how many
exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”-- former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting
to explain the difference between the House and the Senate
On Earth, Where Found:“
[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.” -- former vice president Dan Quayle, on the
concept of a manned mission to Mars.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Streisand-Gives-Good-Head-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Streisand Gives Good Head - What is the best thing about getting head from
Barbara Streisand?
Ten minutes of silence.
Barbara Streisand?
Ten minutes of silence.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Sesame-Street-Meets-----with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Sesame Street Meets.... - One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route. At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked, “What's your name?” “Patty” she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus. On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him “Special Ross.” Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons. Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty. On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking... “Damn, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!”
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Superhero-Booty-Call----Origin-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Superhero Booty Call... Origin - My origin? I was bitten by a radioactive porn star.
That-Is-Gross---Barnum--Bailey-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Barnum & Bailey - Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
That-Is-Gross---Ashes-To-Ashes-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Ashes To Ashes - This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
That-Is-Gross---After-69-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
After 69 - Q: What comes after 69?A: Mouthwash.
That-Is-Gross---Beaver-with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Little-Johnny-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Beaver - Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
That-Is-Gross---Bravery-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Bravery - What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
That-Is-Gross---Baby-boomers-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Baby boomers - Q: What''s worse then finding 10 zombie babies in a garbage can?
A: Finding one zombie baby in 10 garbage cans.
A: Finding one zombie baby in 10 garbage cans.
That-Is-Gross---Brainfart-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Brainfart - How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?
Her ears flap.
Her ears flap.
That-Is-Gross---Beatles-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Beatles - What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.
Two more bullets.
That-Is-Gross---BB-Boys-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
BB Boys - A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BB from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.
The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!''
She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine.''
Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.''
Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"
The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!''
She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine.''
Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.''
Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"
That-Is-Gross---Biting-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Partying--Bad-Behavior-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Biting - A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
That-Is-Gross---Baby-In-A-Blender----with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Baby In A Blender... - Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face!
So you can see the expression on its face!
That-Is-Gross---Blonde-Breadcrumbs-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Insults-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Blonde Breadcrumbs - Q: Why does the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet every morning?A: To feed the toilet duck.
That-Is-Gross---No-Backseat-Blonde-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Partying--Bad-Behavior-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
No Backseat Blonde - A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat."No!" yells the blonde.Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again."For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
Something-Funny---The-Cork--with-tags-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-That-Is-Gross
The Cork - A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No shit!'''
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No shit!'''
That-Is-Gross---Church-with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Church - One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''
That-Is-Gross---Canni-Ball!-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Canni Ball! - Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder!
They gave him the cold shoulder!
That-Is-Gross---Avon-Calling-with-tags-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Avon Calling - An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
That-Is-Gross---$10-Complaint-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Doctor-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
$10 Complaint - A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
That-Is-Gross---Camoflauge-Clothing-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Camoflauge Clothing - There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
That-Is-Gross---Comeback-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Comeback - I'd have a comeback for that, but all my come's backed up in your throat.
That-Is-Gross---Butt-Cheeks-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Butt Cheeks - Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
That-Is-Gross---Chillin--Biddies-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Chillin' Biddies - One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.
That-Is-Gross---Constipated-Accountant-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Constipated Accountant - Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.
That-Is-Gross---Constipation-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Constipation - Why are contipated folks unkind and rude?
'Cause they don't give a crap!
'Cause they don't give a crap!
That-Is-Gross---Dead-Blonde-in-Closet-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Dead Blonde in Closet - Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
That-Is-Gross---Corpsalicious!-with-tags-Doctor-Jokes-School-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Corpsalicious! - One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it.
''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it.
''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''
That-Is-Gross---Deaf-Blonde-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Insults-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Deaf Blonde - Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?A: So she could lip read.
That-Is-Gross---Chips-and-Dip-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Chips and Dip - Q: How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl?
A: A blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Doritos.
A: A blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Doritos.
That-Is-Gross---Definition-of-Agony-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Definition of Agony - Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
That-Is-Gross---The-Difference-Between-a-Bull-and-a-Cow-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
The Difference Between a Bull and a Cow - Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.
That-Is-Gross---Dear-Diarrhea-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Dear Diarrhea - Didja hear that diarrhea's hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
That-Is-Gross---Dentist-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Doctor-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross-Work-Jokes
Dentist - A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."
That-Is-Gross---The-Blonde-and-the-Deodorant-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
The Blonde and the Deodorant - The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
That-Is-Gross---American-Divorce-with-tags-Country-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
American Divorce - If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
That-Is-Gross---Dirty-Aliens-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Dirty Aliens - A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them. A married alien couple walked out and said, ''Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet.'' So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night. When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his ''thing.'' The alien looked down and said, ''Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.'' And he hit his head twice and ''it'' grew at least two feet. The woman said ''Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to.'' So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives. The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, ''How was it?'' The wife replied, ''Great!'' The man said, ''Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, 'It's broken! It's broken!'''
That-Is-Gross---Doorprize-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Doorprize - Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.
''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor.
''Why, it's a toilet brush.''
''Ooh, I see,'' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.
''Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper.''
''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor.
''Why, it's a toilet brush.''
''Ooh, I see,'' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.
''Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper.''
That-Is-Gross---Dog-Abilities-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Dog Abilities - Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?A: Because they can.Q: So why do they stick their noses in women's crotches?A: Same reason.
That-Is-Gross---Dr--Doctor-with-tags-Doctor-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross-Work-Jokes
Dr. Doctor - Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
That-Is-Gross---Blame-Duke-with-tags-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Blame Duke - There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''
That-Is-Gross---Elephant-Encounter-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Elephant Encounter - Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?A: Apologize and wipe it off.
That-Is-Gross---Dragging-Their-Feet-with-tags-News--Politics-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Dragging Their Feet - Two men both drag their right foot as they walk.As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
That-Is-Gross---Baby-Drink-with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Baby Drink - How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.
Stick it in the blender.
That-Is-Gross---Christmas-Cookie-Dough-with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Christmas Cookie Dough - Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''
That-Is-Gross---Always-Bring-the-Fingers-with-tags-Doctor-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross-Work-Jokes
Always Bring the Fingers - A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do.""But I don't have the fingers!""Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor."Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
That-Is-Gross---Farting-Contest-with-tags-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-That-Is-Gross
Farting Contest - A man farts in bed next to his wife.His wife asks, "What in the world was that?"He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing."She decides to get even, so she lets one loose.He yells at her, "What was that?"She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed.The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
That-Is-Gross---That-Fly-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
That Fly - What went through the fly's mind as he hit the windshield?
His Butt!
His Butt!
That-Is-Gross---Feminine-Farting-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Feminine Farting - Why do women always fart only when they go to the bathroom?
They have to blow dry—and there's nothing to shake.
They have to blow dry—and there's nothing to shake.
That-Is-Gross---Fishin--or-Buggery--with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-That-Is-Gross
Fishin' or Buggery? - There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing. One day, the man fell in love and got married. After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
''Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along.''
''And what if I don't want to come along?'' the woman asked impatiently.
''Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex.'' With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
''God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more." In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog. It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex. She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already. She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
''Have you made your decision?'' he asked
''Yes,'' she replied. ''I do not want to go fishing.'' True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up.''
''I know,'' the man said. ''He didn't want to go either.''
''Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along.''
''And what if I don't want to come along?'' the woman asked impatiently.
''Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex.'' With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
''God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more." In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog. It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex. She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already. She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
''Have you made your decision?'' he asked
''Yes,'' she replied. ''I do not want to go fishing.'' True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up.''
''I know,'' the man said. ''He didn't want to go either.''
That-Is-Gross---The-Cross-Eyed-Cow-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Country-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
The Cross-Eyed Cow - One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
That-Is-Gross---Fine-Fly-Dining-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Fine Fly Dining - Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas.The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."
That-Is-Gross---Archeological-Gag-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Archeological Gag - How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---To-Boldly-Go-----with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
To Boldly Go... - Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise?A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
That-Is-Gross---Bed-Football-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Bed Football - An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
That-Is-Gross---Brown-in-the-Forest-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Brown in the Forest - Q: What's brown and sits in the forest?A: Winnie's pooh.
That-Is-Gross---The-Flying-Condom-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
The Flying Condom - Q: Why was the condom flying through the air?A: It got pissed off.
That-Is-Gross---Driving-In-The-Fog-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Driving In The Fog - Q: What's the difference between eating p***y and driving in the fog?
A: When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the a**hole in front of you.
A: When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the a**hole in front of you.
That-Is-Gross---Geek-Booty-Call----Booger-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Geek Booty Call... Booger - If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.
That-Is-Gross---The-Giant-With-Diarrhea-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
The Giant With Diarrhea - Q: Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?A: You didn't? It's all over town.
That-Is-Gross---Gay-Dinosaur-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Gay Dinosaur - Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasoreass.
A: Megasoreass.
That-Is-Gross---Fart-Glossary-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Fart Glossary -
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.
TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.
BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.
TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.
BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
That-Is-Gross---Genie-in-a-bottle-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Genie in a bottle - There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The man said, "No Shit!"
Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.
The man said, "No Shit!"
Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.
That-Is-Gross---The-Golfer-s-Confession-with-tags-God-Jokes-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-That-Is-Gross
The Golfer's Confession - A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
That-Is-Gross---Gassy-Granny-with-tags-Doctor-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Gassy Granny - An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
That-Is-Gross---Grandma-s-Birthday-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Jokes-about-Kids-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Grandma's Birthday - What do you give an 80 yr-old grandma for her birthday?
Mikey, he'll eat anything!
Mikey, he'll eat anything!
That-Is-Gross---Golf-Course-Blonde-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Men-Women-Money-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Golf Course Blonde - Q: What do you call a blonde at a golf course?A: The 19th hole.
That-Is-Gross---Gross-Grandma-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Gross Grandma - What is grosser than gross?
When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.
When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.
That-Is-Gross---Farting-into-the-Great-Beyond-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Farting into the Great Beyond - Your fart's so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!
That-Is-Gross---Gross--Grosser--Grossest-with-tags-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Gross, Grosser, Grossest - What's grosser than gross?
Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.
What's grosser than that?
Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar.
What's grosser than that?
When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face.
You want to know what's grosser than that?
When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner.
But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.
Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.
What's grosser than that?
Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar.
What's grosser than that?
When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face.
You want to know what's grosser than that?
When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner.
But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.
That-Is-Gross---Gum-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-God-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Gum - Why did God give women belly buttons?
For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.
For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.
That-Is-Gross---Gynecologist-Bad!-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Doctor-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Gynecologist Bad! - A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time and is awfully nervous. When the doctor comes into the examining room, he notices immediately that she's very tense.
"Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you some thing to numb you down there?" The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes. So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch.
"Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."
"Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you some thing to numb you down there?" The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes. So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch.
"Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."
That-Is-Gross---Gynecologist-and-a-Dog-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Doctor-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Gynecologist and a Dog - Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?A: Wet noses.
Yo--Mama---Poppa-is-a-Brand-New-Bag-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Poppa is a Brand New Bag - Yo' daddy's so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!
Yo--Mama---Birds-of-Paradise-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Insults-Jokes-about-Kids-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Birds of Paradise - Yo mama so fat, when she was a baby, she took a bath with a rubber albatross.
Yo--Mama---Picture-Perfect-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Picture Perfect - Yo mama so fat, her portrait fell off the wall
Yo--Mama---A-Fashion-Sense-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
A Fashion Sense - Yo mama so fat, she has a real horse on her Polo shirt.
Yo--Mama---Antique-shop-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Antique shop - Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's new?"
Yo--Mama---Tub-o--Goo-with-tags-Insults-Men-Women-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Tub o' Goo - Yo mama so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-so-fat----band-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's so fat... band - Yo Mama is so fat, that when she dances, the band skips!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama - Yo mama's so lactose intolerant, human kindness makes her throw up!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama...Sorry - Yo mama's so sorry she missed your birthday last week, she bought you a cake so big you gotta eat it twice to have it once!
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama-Is-So-Skanky----Jumpstart-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Insults-Men-Women-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama Is So Skanky... Jumpstart - Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama-Is-Like----Race-Car-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Insults-Men-Women-Something-Funny-Travel--Car-Jokes-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama Is Like... Race Car - Yo' Mama is like a race car: she burns through four rubbers a night.
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama-vs--Walrus-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama vs. Walrus - Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a walrus?A: One has whiskers and smells of fish; the other one's a walrus.
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama-Is-So-Stupid----Useless-with-tags-Insults-School-Jokes-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama Is So Stupid... Useless - Yo' Mama is so stupid, she's as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama...Tech - Yo mama's so technologically unsavvy, she leaves out pieces of cheese next to the computer!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama...Web 2.0 - Yo Mama's so Web 2.0, she makes you call her Mothr!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Fat----Butt-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat... Butt - Yo Mama is so fat, her ass has it's own congressman.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-so-ugly----kid-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's so ugly... kid - Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama...Polite - Yo mama's so polite, she once held the door for a week!
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Stupid-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Stupid...On the Corner - Yo' mama so stupid, she told me to meet her on the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk.'
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Fat----School-Bus-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat... School Bus - Yo mama's so fat that when she sees a school bus she yells, "Stop that Twinkie!"
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Fat----Trip-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat... Trip - Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped on 4th Avenue and landed on 12th.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Stupid-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Stupid...Antiques - Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's new?"
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s---Curb-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's...Curb - Yo mama is so small that she plays handball on the curb.
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama-Is-So-Flat----Paper-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama Is So Flat... Paper - Yo' Mama is so flat, paper gets jealous.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-so-skinny----baseball-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's so skinny... baseball - Yo mama's so skinny, she used a needle for a baseball bat
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-Scalp-Condition-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's Scalp Condition - Yo' mama got such bad dandruff, the principal declared a snow day!
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama-Is-So-Stupid----Fax-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama Is So Stupid... Fax - Yo' Mama is so stupid, she put a stamp on a fax.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Fat----High-Heels-#2-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat... High Heels #2 - Yo mama's so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.
Yo--Mama---Yo--Pops----Fat-(what-else-)-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Pops... Fat (what else?) - Yo' daddy is so fat the only train he can travel is the GRAVY TRAIN.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-so-fat----two-buses-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's so fat... two buses - Yo mama's so fat she uses two greyhound buses as rollerblades.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-so-fat----chins-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's so fat... chins - Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-so-ghetto----wheelies-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's so ghetto... wheelies - Yo mama is so ghetto, she does wheelies in her 10 speed.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Poor-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Poor...Ice Tray - Yo' mama so poor, she fills her ice trays with toilet water!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Fat----Corduroys-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat... Corduroys - Yo' mama so fat, she wore corduroys and smoothed out the ridges!
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s---Kidnappers-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's...Kidnappers - Yo Mama is so ugly when she was kidnapped her mother sent the kidnappers a thank you card!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-Groteque-Obesity-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's Groteque Obesity - Yo mama's so fat, when she farted pluto's ice caps melted.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-so-poor----shoe-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's so poor... shoe - Yo mama's so poor, I saw her walking down the street with only one shoe on. I said, ''Hey, Mrs Jones, you've lost a shoe,'' and she said ''No, it's alright, I found one''.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-so-fat----school-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's so fat... school - Your Mama's so fat that when she went to school she sat next to the whole class!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama--s-so-fat----Jerry-Springer-with-tags-Insults-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama''s so fat... Jerry Springer - Yo Mama''so fat she was on Jerry Springer and Ricky Lake at the same time.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s---Beach-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's...Beach - Yo mama's so fat that when she goes walking on the beach in heals she strikes oil.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Fat-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat...Exercise - Yo' mama so fat, people exercise by doing laps 'round her!
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-so-dumb----battery-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's so dumb... battery - Yo mama is so dumb she stuck a battery up her butt and said, "I got energy!"
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama----Christmas-Corner-with-tags-God-Jokes-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama... Christmas Corner - Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Stupid----Dunkin--with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Stupid... Dunkin' - Yo mama's so stupid, she thought "Dunkin' Donuts" was a basketball team.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Stupid-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Stupid...Peep Hole - Yo' mama so stupid, she bought a glass door with a peephole.
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama-Is-So-Stupid----Tape-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama Is So Stupid... Tape - Yo' Mama is so stupid, she tried to tape glue.
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama----Knock-Knock-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama... Knock Knock - Knock knock.Who's there?Sham.Sham who?No, not Yo' Mama.
Yo--Mama---Yo--Mama-Is-So-Dirty----Plants-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo' Mama Is So Dirty... Plants - Yo' Mama is so dirty, plants grow out her butt.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-so-stupid----supermarket-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's so stupid... supermarket - Yo' mama so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death!
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s---Bad-Cooking-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's...Bad Cooking - Your mama's cooking is so bad, that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-Like-a-Chipmunk-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's Like a Chipmunk - Yo' mama's like a chipmunk, her cheeks are always packed full of nuts!
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Stupid-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Stupid...Drinks - Yo' mama so stupid, when they said the drinks were on the house, she went up to the roof.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Old-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Old...Social Security - Yo' mama so old, her social security number is two!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Daddy-Is-So-Bald-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Daddy Is So Bald - Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Fat-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Fat - Yo' mama so fat, that when she wears a yellow rain jacket, people think she's a taxi cab.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Ugly-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Ugly - Yo' mama so ugly, she scares blind kids away.
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Stupid-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Stupid..Car - Yo' mama so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Fat----Grass-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat... Grass - Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, “Why is the grass always greener on the other side?” everyone replied, “'Cause you aren't standing on it.”
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Ugly-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Ugly...Halloween - Yo' mama so ugly, they give her an extra 364 days for Halloween!
Yo--Mama---Yo-mama-s-So-Stupid-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo mama's So Stupid...Blizzard - Yo' mama so stupid, she thought the Blizzard of '96 was a new item at Dairy Queen!
News--Politics---If-you-re-American-----with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny
If you're American ... - If you're American when you go into the
bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in the
bathroom?
European!
bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in the
bathroom?
European!
News--Politics---And-You-re-Not-Even-Drunk-with-tags-Insults-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Partying--Bad-Behavior-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
And You're Not Even Drunk - Q: What did the pollock say when he ran into the bar with a piece of shit in his hand?
A: Luck must be on my side tonight, look at what I almost stepped in.
A: Luck must be on my side tonight, look at what I almost stepped in.
News--Politics---Zambian-Roulette-with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny
Zambian Roulette - As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.'' A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms. ''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.'' ''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.'' ''But my friend, where is the danger in this?'' Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Ugly----Coma-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Ugly....Coma - Your mama's so ugly, she laid down to take a beauty nap and slipped into a coma.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Fat----Picture-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat... Picture - Yo mama is so fat, her picture fell off the wall!
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-So-Fat----Both-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's So Fat... Both - Yo' mama so fat, she's on both sides of the family!
News--Politics---Signs-You-re-in-America-with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Something-Funny
Signs You're in America - -- a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.-- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.-- Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.-- Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.-- people use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.-- Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.
Yo--Mama---Yo-Mama-s-Couch-with-tags-Insults-Something-Funny-Yo--Mama
Yo Mama's Couch - Yo mama's so fat, she uses a semi-trailer as a couch.
News--Politics---No-Fly-Zone-with-tags-Insults-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
No Fly Zone - The American Indians have nicknamed George W Bush as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap that he can't fly.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Superhero-Booty-Call----Fantastic-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Superhero Booty Call... Fantastic - Want to see my Fantastic Four-skin? Flame on!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Superman-and-Batman-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Superman and Batman - Superman once wrote on the wall: "Batman is a wimp."
The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent."
The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---N-SYNC-s-Clever-Name-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
N'SYNC's Clever Name - Why is N'SYNC named N'SYNC?
Cause they all get their periods at the same time
Cause they all get their periods at the same time
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Don-t-Say-It-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Don't Say It - Q: What's one thing you don't tell a vampire?A: Bite me.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---E-T--with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
E.T. - Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Because he has little legs!
A: Because he has little legs!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---A-Sweet-Filthy-Story-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Food-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
A Sweet Filthy Story - It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.When I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey, Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my Chunky for a Million Dollar Bar?"She immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy.I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"Soon she was fondling my Mars and ZagNut, so it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to her Milky Way.She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"She was quite a piece of Juicy Fruit and screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden -- my Starburst.As luck would have it, she soon complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Hillary-Clinton-s-Surprise-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Hillary Clinton's Surprise - Hillary Clinton goes in for her annual gynecological exam. The doctor tells her she's pregnant. Hillary storms out of the office and calls Bill."You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?"After a moment of stunned silence, Bill says, "Who is this?"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Duct-Tape:-A-George-Lucas-Production-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Duct Tape: A George Lucas Production - Q: What do The Force and duct tape have in common?
Q: They both have a light side and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together.
Q: They both have a light side and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Isn-t-She-Lucky--with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Insults-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Isn't She Lucky? - Q: How did Britney Spears die while drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
A: The cow fell on her.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Britney-ain-t-no-Barbie-Doll-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Britney ain't no Barbie Doll - Q: What did the Barbie doll say to Britney Spears?
A: Hey, you don't have a bra on!
A: Hey, you don't have a bra on!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Keira-Knightley-Doesn-t-Exist-with-tags-Fat-Jokes-Insults-Lookin--Good-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Keira Knightley Doesn't Exist - Q: How do you know that Keira Knightley doesn't exist?A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----K-I-T--with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... K.I.T. - You can call me K.I.T. because I'll be your Night Rider.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Tattoo-Idea-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Tattoo Idea - Q: Why is it a good idea to tattoo a $100 bill on your penis?
A: Have you ever known a women that wouldn't blow a hundred dollars?
A: Have you ever known a women that wouldn't blow a hundred dollars?
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---The-taste-of-a-new-generation-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
The taste of a new generation - What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common?
They both have plastic juggs.
They both have plastic juggs.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----Tape-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... Tape - Can I put my tape in your Betamax?
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---A-J--Jamal:-Tarzan-with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
A.J. Jamal: Tarzan - Didn't you like those old shows, like 'Tarzan'? Remember 'Tarzan'? Story about a white guy who grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood?
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Tarzan-s-Spare-Parts-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Doctor-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Tarzan's Spare Parts - Tarzan is attacked by a lion in the jungle. The animal rips off Tarzan's arm, eye and penis. His jungle friends help him by giving him the spare parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a d**k.Later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him."Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee.""Why's that?""It keep picking grass and shoving in Tarzan's ass."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Hipster-Booty-Call----Tattoo-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Hipster Booty Call... Tattoo - Can you help me pick out a design for my next tattoo?
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Teacher-Arrested-with-tags-God-Jokes-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Teacher Arrested - At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---80s-Booty-Call----A-Team-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
80s Booty Call... A-Team - Call me Dirk Benedict, because my Face belongs on your "A-Team."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Perfect-Ten-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Perfect Ten - What is Michael Jackson's idea of a perfect 10?
Two 5-year-olds!
Two 5-year-olds!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Technology-Enabled-Amoebas-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Jokes-about-Kids-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Technology-Enabled Amoebas - How do amoebas keep in touch?
With cell phones.
With cell phones.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Texas-Talkin--with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Texas Talkin' - Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop
arguing and do as you're told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop
arguing and do as you're told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Snoop-Doggs-Teeth----with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Snoop Doggs Teeth... - How does Snoop Dogg keep his teeth white?
BLEEEEEE-YATCH!
BLEEEEEE-YATCH!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Famous-People-Say-the-Darndest-Things-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Famous People Say the Darndest Things - "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
Hugh Grant
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
Hugh Grant
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Movie-Theater-Mayhem!-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Movie Theater Mayhem! - A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Gravity-Defying-Tequila-with-tags-Dark-Humor-Partying--Bad-Behavior-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Gravity-Defying Tequila - A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Dirtiest-Thing-on-Television-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Dirtiest Thing on Television - Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Things-I-Learned-From-Movies-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Things I Learned From Movies - 1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Clinton-s-Favorite-Things-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Clinton's Favorite Things - To be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the "The Sound of Music"Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,These are a few of my favorite thingsSusan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,Profits from futures that Hillary brings,These are a few of my favorite thingsBeating the draft board and getting elected,Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,These are a few of my favorite thingsGolfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,Falling down drunk which required knee surgeryStars in the White House who come here to sing,These are a few of my favorite thingsMeeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,States of the Union with lots of baloney,Winning debates and the joy of my flings,These are a few of my favorite thingsWhen that Jones bites,When Ken Starr stings, when I'm feeling sad,I simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Things-Men-Don-t-Say-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Fat-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Things Men Don't Say - -- Let's watch Lifetime.-- Sex is overrated.-- I don't want to go too far on the first date.-- Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.-- Don't we owe your mother a visit?-- I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.-- Dessert goes right to my hips.-- I hate when I miss Oprah.-- Does this suit make me look fat?-- I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Three-Balled-Alien-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Three-Balled Alien - Q: What do you call an alien with three balls?A: ET, the extra testicle.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Princess-Di-and-Thomas-with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Princess Di and Thomas - Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Thomas the Tank Engine?
A: Thomas the Tank Engine made it through the tunnel!
A: Thomas the Tank Engine made it through the tunnel!
News--Politics---Bush-s-Tragedy--with-tags-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Bush's Tragedy - One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Scott-Thompson:-Cher-s-"Believe"-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Technology-Jokes
Scott Thompson: Cher's "Believe" - The robots will probably adopt that song as their anthem, and they'll sing it to themselves as they take over the world, crushing humans under their silicone heels. And they will install Cher as their android goddess because, by then, she'll be mostly plastic and wire anyways.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Star-Trek:--Riker-s-Death-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Star Trek: Riker's Death - Why did Riker die in the battle?
Picard ordered to fire at Will.
Picard ordered to fire at Will.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Scott-Thompson:-On-Mariah-Carey-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Nationality-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Scott Thompson: On Mariah Carey - Don't tell me Mariah Carey is black, OK? I'm not buying it. I don't care how many rappers she f**ks. Believe me, I know. You cannot become black that way -- I tried.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Dirty-Tigger!-with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Dirty Tigger! - Why is Tigger always so dirty?
Because he plays with Pooh!
Because he plays with Pooh!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Superhero-Booty-Call----Tingling-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Superhero Booty Call... Tingling - Something's tingling, and it's not my spider-sense.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Martha-Stewart-s-Holiday-To-Do-List-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List - December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows 2000
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows 2000
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Tony-Blair--Peter-Jennings--Pop-Divas-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Tony Blair, Peter Jennings & Pop Divas - Tony Blair Interviewed by Peter Jennings
Peter Jennings: Why do you think the English lost the War of Independence?
Tony Blair: Rust on our equiptment.
Peter Jennings: Rust! Can you elaborate?
Tony Blair: Rust, you see, affected our leg weaponery. Our knee spears.
Peter Jennings: Knee spears? Why, I've never heard of such a thing!
Tony Blair: Really, I thought everyone had heard of Brit knee spears!
Peter Jennings: Why do you think the English lost the War of Independence?
Tony Blair: Rust on our equiptment.
Peter Jennings: Rust! Can you elaborate?
Tony Blair: Rust, you see, affected our leg weaponery. Our knee spears.
Peter Jennings: Knee spears? Why, I've never heard of such a thing!
Tony Blair: Really, I thought everyone had heard of Brit knee spears!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Toby-Keith:-From-the-Roast-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Toby Keith: From the Roast - From the Roast of Larry the Cable Guy: Larry's book was groundbreaking. It was the first book that liberals agreed it was okay to burn.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Spice-Girls---Toaster-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Spice Girls...Toaster - What do you get when you put Spice Girls in the toaster?
Pop Tarts.
Pop Tarts.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Dangerous-Toys-with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Dangerous Toys - Q: What is red and orange and knocks you over?A: Tackle me Elmo.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---I-feel-like-chicken-tonight-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
I feel like chicken tonight - Why did George Bush cross the road?
Beause his penis was stuck in the chicken!
Beause his penis was stuck in the chicken!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Top-10-Country-Music-Titles-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Top 10 Country Music Titles - 1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns in The Bed.
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
5. She's Leaving Me Because She Really Wants To.
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger.
7. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better.
8. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Then I'd be Out By Now.
9. I Married Her Because She Looks Like You.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body, Except For Mine.
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
5. She's Leaving Me Because She Really Wants To.
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger.
7. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better.
8. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Then I'd be Out By Now.
9. I Married Her Because She Looks Like You.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body, Except For Mine.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---An-tragedy--and-accident--and-a-great-loss-with-tags-Country-Jokes-God-Jokes-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
An tragedy, and accident, and a great loss - George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to
lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would
call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's right. And can you tell
me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great
loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to
lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would
call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's right. And can you tell
me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great
loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---So-Blonde----"Soul-Train"-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Insults-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
So Blonde... "Soul Train" - She is so blonde, she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Boy-Bands--Girl-Bands-and-Gender-Trancenders-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Boy Bands, Girl Bands and Gender Trancenders - Way back in '97 I wondered why those bands like the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys put their gender after the band name. We know what gender they are, they dont need that....
Hanson on the other hand...
Hanson on the other hand...
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Geek-Booty-Call----Star-Trek-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Geek Booty Call... Star Trek - You're the first woman I've been attracted to who wasn't wearing a Klingon costume.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Connection-Between-Star-Trek-and-TP-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Connection Between Star Trek and TP - Q: What''s the connection between The Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper?
A: They both travel around Uranus looking for clingons.
A: They both travel around Uranus looking for clingons.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Star-Trek-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Star Trek - Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Trekkies-Love:-Captain-Kirk-s-Ears-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Trekkies Love: Captain Kirk's Ears - Why can Captain Kirk hear so well?
Because he has three ears: a left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.
Because he has three ears: a left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Tupac-Shakur-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Tupac Shakur - What is Tupac spelled backwards?
Caput!
Caput!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Two-Blonde-Jokes-and-Nubile-Cleavage-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Two Blonde Jokes and Nubile Cleavage - Want to hear two blonde jokes?
Listen to Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.
Listen to Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Turkey-Rhythm-with-tags-Animal-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Turkey Rhythm - Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had his own drumsticks!
A: Because he had his own drumsticks!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Twelve-Inch-Radio-Joke-with-tags-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Police-Business--Military-Jokes-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Twelve Inch Radio Joke - A guy calls into a radio station and he says he has a joke for the DJ. The DJ goes, “Alright, let's hear it.” The guy goes, “What has a 2 inch penis and hangs down?” The DJ says, “I dunno, what?” The guy says, “A bat. What has a 12 inch penis and hangs up?” The DJ replies, “I dunno, what?” Next thing the DJ hears is a dial tone.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Tyson-Movie-Deal-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes
Tyson Movie Deal - Did you know that Mike Tyson is to appear in the next Batman movie?
He's the Nibbler!
He's the Nibbler!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Lesbian-With-Two-Girlfriends-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Lesbian With Two Girlfriends - Q: What do you call a lesbian with two girlfriends? A: A bush hog.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Bicycle-Built-For-Two-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes
Bicycle Built For Two - A missionary has spent years teaching agriculture and "civilization" to some people in a distant land. One day, he wants to start teaching them English. So he takes the leader and points at a tree.
"Tree."
"Tree." He points to a rock.
"Rock."
"Rock." All of a sudden, they come upon two people having sex in the bushes. Embarrassed, the missionary blurts out that they are "riding a bike." Then the leader pulls out his blow gun and shoots the two people.
"What!" yells the missionary. "I've spent all this time civilizing you, and you turn around and do this!"
"My bike!"
"Tree."
"Tree." He points to a rock.
"Rock."
"Rock." All of a sudden, they come upon two people having sex in the bushes. Embarrassed, the missionary blurts out that they are "riding a bike." Then the leader pulls out his blow gun and shoots the two people.
"What!" yells the missionary. "I've spent all this time civilizing you, and you turn around and do this!"
"My bike!"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Clinton-Puts-His-Two-Bucks-In-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-That-Is-Gross
Clinton Puts His Two Bucks In - One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While jogging he sees a hooker on the street corner and she says “Five bucks for a blowjob.” Bill says, “I'll give you two dollars.”The hooker says no and Bill shrugs and continues jogging.
The next day he goes for another jog and sees the same hooker. Again she says “Five bucks for a blowjob,” but Bill says no -- $2. She says no and Bill laughs and keeps jogging.
The next day, Hillary goes with Bill on his jog and he passes hooker once again. The hooker looks over at Hillary and says, “You see what you get for two bucks?”
The next day he goes for another jog and sees the same hooker. Again she says “Five bucks for a blowjob,” but Bill says no -- $2. She says no and Bill laughs and keeps jogging.
The next day, Hillary goes with Bill on his jog and he passes hooker once again. The hooker looks over at Hillary and says, “You see what you get for two bucks?”
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Parachutes-for-two-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Jokes-about-Kids-Lawyer-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Work-Jokes
Parachutes for two - Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute boy are on a plane when the plane suddenly develops engine troubles.
"Bad news," the lawyer said. "There are only two parachutes. You and me will go."
"What about the boy?" asks Michael.
"Screw the boy!"
"Do we have time?"
"Bad news," the lawyer said. "There are only two parachutes. You and me will go."
"What about the boy?" asks Michael.
"Screw the boy!"
"Do we have time?"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Mike-Tyson-s-Computer-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-Technology-Jokes
Mike Tyson's Computer - Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
It has two bytes and no memory.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Mike-Tyson-and-Metallica-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes
Mike Tyson and Metallica - What do Mike Tyson and a Metallica concert have in common?
At a Metallica concert you get ringing in the ears, and at a Mike Tyson fight, you get ears in the ring!
At a Metallica concert you get ringing in the ears, and at a Mike Tyson fight, you get ears in the ring!
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---A-Disney-Break-Up-with-tags-Jokes-about-Kids-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
A Disney Break Up - Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now and after hearing of Barbie and Ken's break up, they too decide to call it quits. Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, "She's been a problem since day one. I'm glad you finally saw that she's crazy." Mickey looks at Donald and replies, "No, I broke up with her because she's fucking goofy"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Mariah-s-Ups--Downs-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Mariah's Ups & Downs - Mariah Carey's got so much shaft, even elevators are jealous of her.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Keeping-It-Under-the-Kilt-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Lookin--Good-Marriage-Jokes-Men-Women-Nationality-Jokes-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Keeping It Under the Kilt - A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?""Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed."Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt. "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Vampire-Bar-with-tags-Partying--Bad-Behavior-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Vampire Bar - Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar?A: There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Monica-and-the-Vending-Machine-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Monica and the Vending Machine - Q: What's the similarity between Monica Lewinsky and a soda machine?
A. They both say, "Insert Bill here."
A. They both say, "Insert Bill here."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---New-Version-of-Playboy-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
New Version of Playboy - Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?
A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....
A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Celebrity-Computer-Viruses-with-tags-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Technology-Jokes
Celebrity Computer Viruses -
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your
computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and
deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor
doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget
it's there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
upon contact.
HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week
after week after week.
Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
daughter card.
NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a
remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards
them to the authorities.
Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for
information.
Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.
Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file
into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated
data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but
doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data
buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.
Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when
you're really enjoying it.
David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits
the program it was in and never works again.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great
service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your
computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and
deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor
doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget
it's there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
upon contact.
HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week
after week after week.
Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
daughter card.
NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a
remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards
them to the authorities.
Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for
information.
Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.
Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file
into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated
data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but
doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data
buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.
Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when
you're really enjoying it.
David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits
the program it was in and never works again.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great
service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Replacing-Vanna-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Replacing Vanna - Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Geek-Booty-Call----Visceral-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Pick-Up-Lines-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
Geek Booty Call... Visceral - Your appendages are more visceral than ten Dario Argento films.
That-Is-Gross---The-Amazing-Health-Computer-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Doctor-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-Sports-Jokes-Technology-Jokes-That-Is-Gross
The Amazing Health Computer - One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”
Late that evening while thinking how
amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located
the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will
never get better.”
"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”
Late that evening while thinking how
amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located
the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will
never get better.”
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---The-Jewish-Vote-with-tags-God-Jokes-News--Politics-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny
The Jewish Vote - I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes---Blondes-in-a-Volkswagen-with-tags-Blonde-Jokes-Insults-Men-Women-Pop-Culture--Celebrity-Jokes-Something-Funny-Travel--Car-Jokes
Blondes in a Volkswagen - Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?A: Far-from-thinkin.
That-Is-Gross---Geriatric-Halloween-with-tags-Dirty-Jokes-Men-Women-Something-Funny-That-Is-Gross
Geriatric Halloween - There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"
"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"
The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.
The woman said, "You're going out as that?"
''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"
The man agreed and went into his room. Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.
The woman said, "You're going out as that?"
''Yes,'' said the old man. ''If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
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